I hate ‘The Outernet’.
Hello everyone. I’m taking a break from the regular programming (defiant optimism and mawkish scribbles) to vent on something I loathe. Enjoy!
‘The Outernet’ is a portal to Hell on the corner of Tottenham Court Road and Oxford Street. The best way I can think to describe it, is that it’s an enormous, upside-down bucket of corporate faeces. Part walk-in billboard, part ‘immersive art installation’, showcasing exclusively the worst art you’ve ever been forced to notice. To give you a flavour, the most popular ‘experience’ seems to be ‘Emoji Shower’, which is exactly as pointless and depressing as you’re imagining. And yes, of course, most of the ‘art pieces’ plastering the wall of this shit-bucket absolutely reek of A.I.
The plainest thing about The Outernet is how utterly unavoidable it is. It’s like walking past a thirty foot tall busker who won’t stop forcing their insipid tastes on 100,000 innocent people every day. It’s like the cinema scene from A Clockwork Orange, but instead of violent images of war and murder, it’s floating poos and rainbows (which, in a way, amounts to psychological violence).
The Outernet claims to be the most visited cultural attraction in the UK… Besides not being culture, it’s my firm belief that nobody actually chooses to enter The Outernet, much the same way that planets don’t choose to enter black holes. Often I look in, trying to make eye contact with one of its prisoners. They’re just like you and me; families, groups of tourists in-between sights. They step out of the rain and find themselves inside a giant game of Tetris, harmless fun, and then before they know it their minds become stretched and are torn apart due to the increasing difference in gravitational pull. They cross the event horizon, beyond which nothing, not even light, can escape. The content they’re gawping at, open-mouthed, becomes infinitely dense and they lose all critical thinking capability. Then they get a Blank Street coffee* and watch The Devil Wears Prada.
If the point of it all is to take the internet and make it something you can step inside of, then I humbly ask those in charge to remember what going on the internet feels like these days. Don’t, whatever you do, take a part of the real world and fill it with the internet! Keep the internet in. Keep the real world real!
Kill it. Kill The Outernet now. Kill the garish, uninspired, open-air slop cinema, I’m begging you.
*Did you know that in Blank Street those people aren’t baristas? They just press a button. Does that matter? Makes you think!
All of the following shows are now on sale!
N.B. The shows at The FA are all at 7pm in Southwark, so if you’re someone who has always found the previous DEDAR @ FA time/location of ‘9pm in Haggerston’ to be too late and far out, you’ll need to find a new excuse to miss these ones. The earlier start time also means more time for post-show drinks and chats. Plus, we’ll be supporting The FA by buying drinks from their very own bar! I can’t wait.
The first Peekaboo was a total dream. Thanks everyone who came out. Just look at our happy faces!
Next one is 31st October, Halloween night! I’m going to dress up. Tee hee.
Grab your ticket now. There aren’t many!
Guys. I’m ready to try Matcha.
I just tried the green tabasco sauce at chipotle, because there were no bottles of the smoky flavour I always choose. It was delicious. A revelation. Years wasted not having this beautiful, sweet jalepeño sauce? Maybe everything would have gone differently for me if only I’d tried this sauce ten years ago.
Also this month, I had a Chai Latte for the first time. A chummy barista saw me eyeing one up and gave me a little taster. It’s a heavenly delight. Of course it is. Why did I deny myself xmas in a cup for so long? Am I so incurious?
All this to say, I must reassess all of the other liquids at which I’ve been up-turning my nose, starting with the green dust sensation.
I’ve avoided matcha for all the normal reasons. It’s performative, it’s a trend, it seems odd and so on. But maybe I’m about to unlock my matcha era??!? This could be huge!!!
Please reply with where I should get my first matcha from. I’m willing to travel. Blank Street? I’ll let you know how it goes. Thank you.
Over at leapday, Seven Dials Playhouse:
Monday 6th - Slow, Stupid, and Obvious Workshop
Monday 13th - Choir!
Monday 20th - Jam!
Monday 27th - Do Scenes Get Notes
The next 8wk course starts on Tuesday the 28th October. Places are starting to fill up for this now that we’re a month out, so do book if you’re keen. It’s for everyone and anyone.
Read what others have to say about leapday.
Sorry for the neggy vibes today.
The truth is, I’m no hero. Cut me, I bleed. Force me to look at one million LEDs every time I go to work, I bleed out my eyes.
Thank God for communal experiences in the real world, eh? See you at one soon!
Love ya,
Dibble
P.S. Consider hiring me to describe a room or run a workshop with/for your company! I’m fun, flexible, and reasonably priced!
I very much enjoy an iced vanilla matcha latte from Caffè Nero (even though it's a chain)